crying...

"Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. "
…yes, it would be best to cry if there’s something bothering you, something that you want to take off your chest, something that is hurting you, something that is making you think and think more harder each day, something that is heavy…then cry…
"it won’t make you less of a man if you cry…"
…yes, i do admire men who cry. men who talks and shed out their tears and admit that there’s something bothering them and would like to feel comforted. it won’t make less of he’s being a man. it won’t hurt if he cries. it won’t hurt if he confides. the truth is, he knows he’s just an ordinary being, with problems, with doubts, with fears, with all those that hurt him and yet he knows, still he knows how to cry…
"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. "
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." … it’s as if…
"the eyes is the window to his soul…"
"Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed. "
…yes…cry if you want to…cry if you need to…for if you keep it to yourself, not only will you be carrying something all your life but will also show traces in your face…
"It is some relief to weep; grief is satisfied and carried off by tears. "
…yes…and by the way, confiding is a very big help…
"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either."
…that’s why when he laughs, you’ll know that it is a ‘true laugh’ for he has already shed off and weep what was hurting him…
"Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. "
…that’s why you will admire more a person if he realizes that smoking and drinking won’t help him, won’t take away his pains and hurting…it would even add up to what he is feeling and be sick…
"I didn’t know why I cried, but I knew instantly that when you spoke to me or just hang on there, the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry… I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full."
…i understand…just here to listen…and yes, help if i can…
"tears are unspoken words…"
…you need not talk…as soon as i heard the splash of that tiny drop of tear, then i know there is something wrong…
"people that laugh a lot, cry a lot because it only takes one smile to hide a million tears…"
…true enough? hhmmm…oh well, i would say yes…

…then cry and weep…again, it won’t make you less of being a man…crying won’t hurt you but would take away your hurt…
…i’m just here…you can cry on me…on my shoulder… and i know that i can always cry on you…on your shoulder…
written : Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

letting go...

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

…letting go…
…walk away…
…hurting words…but reality bites…truth hurts…
…truth hurts…one of those things i’ve learned during my 4th year high school retreat (wow! quite a long time huh!). but everyone must face reality…reality of which is, people would really come and go, well of course of our lives. but of course, there are some who would really stay by your side, but these are a very few people, very, very few people…
…i’ve learned so much in life…
…so many things…can’t count…
…there are people who would really walk away from you…people who would walk away from your life…you learned from them, they’ve learned from you…well, that should really be the case though but sometimes, you cannot force people to believe, trust and learn from you…yes you’ve given your all, your everything, every bit of you, every bit of your learnings in life, every bit of your lessons in life, your concern, your support, your all…but then again, they will still walk away, they would still go and would just see you as ’something’…you simply feel that you’re like one of those toys that children play with…that they would get you whenever needed only…then simply leave you somewhere, anywhere like a trash…
…guess you just simply have to let go then…

last will and testament

...just came across again (well, i was actually trying to review it as well :) ) and thought of posting it instead coz it was just posted on my friendster account...


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

last will and testament
no, i’m not being morbid, i am just being true…dun din naman tayo pupunta di ba, so might as well do this…i’ll definitely have a hard copy of this, kasama ng insurance policy ko…hehehhei am the youngest among the four pero ako nakaisip gumawa nito noh! if i die, i want my body to be cremated pero gusto ko i-donate lahat ng vital organs ko, pati mga mata ko ha! this is the reason why i am trying to stay healthy and fit para naman mapakinabangan pa ko ng ibang tao…in my wake, i want pink roses on top of my casket.ang gusto kong damit yung simple lang, walang mga lace ha, ang kati nun eh! hehehhehe ayoko rin ng makapal na make-up kase di naman tlaga ko ma-make-up na tao di ba? kung pwede nga lang walang make-up eh kaya lang ang panget non!ayoko ng itim na color ha…i want my family to wear white…white lang…kahit on the day of my cremation na…i want my whole family to be there…i also want pariñas, zapanta, sernat (basta yung relatives ni timothy joseph) family to be there bcoz they have played a very special role in my life…pamilya ko na sila and i love them so much…i want tito bohn and tita nellie to sing for me, kung pwede nga lang kasama pati si andja, addy and amiel, it would be very much appreciated…i want tita dorina bell to bring me any green flower, kase favorite color nya yon and i want her to offer a prayer for me during the mass in my wake (dapat may mass before the last mass ha)…i also want my dear niece, erika alyssa to sing for me…i love you alyssa…she sings so well…mana sa kin yan eh, makapal mukha kumanta sa harap ng maraming tao…if in case i’m married when i die, i want my ashes divided into two, meaning two urns…one for my own family, and the other for my husband and kids…
at eto, i would like to thank my family…my nanay, tatay, ate, kuya, diko…here goes…
my nanay - for without her pa’no kaya ako lalabas sa mundong ito noh…i was not supposed to pop out of this world kung di lang dahil sa tyaga ng nanay ko. ni hindi nga alam kung pa’no ko naging baby sa sinapupunan nya eh. she had been diagnosed with a tumor kaya what the doctors did was to give her medicines to try to melt the said tumor. my tata (lolo, mom’s dad) was then sick of cancer (i forgot lang kung cancer of what) and my mom was his pet. before he died, he told nanay na sana kung mamatay na sya, sa kanya na lang mapunta yung sakit ni nanay. knowing nanay to be a prayerful person (grabe, super lakasa nyan kay Lord noh pati kay Mother Mary), she kept on praying and was hoping that the medicines will just simply melt away the tumor. one day, lola nene and lola azon (my dad’s aunts and cwl’s of conception church in malabon) asked tatay if he would like to make an offering to our Pope Pius VI who will visit the country. what tatay offered was a big fish, he was fully dressed-up as a fisherman (yes, together with the salakot). both nanay and tatay walked in quezon city circle and they both was able to kiss the ring of the Pope (in fact the picture, book and newspaper from the Vatican was sent to them). nanay did really made a sacrifice para nga she will be ok na and prayed that the tumor be gone. after a few months, it was nanay’s time for her medical check-up. all the doctors were amazed bcoz all of a sudden, there was a child in her womb, the tumor was gone, it was replaced by a baby - opo, ako nga po yun. and so i was born na hindi alam kung ilang months na nung time na they found out that it was a baby. when i came out of this world - april 9, good friday, 12:15noon - the first thing that nanay and tatay looked for was abnormalities, there was none physically. the only thing they saw was a very big "balat" (secret kung nasaan…hehehehhe…nope it’s no longer too visible). a very long birthmark on my leg and something like the cap of the Pope on my head (try touching my head, medyo malalim) which nanay was trying to remove. and the rest was history. kaya nga eto na ko ngayon…thank you nanay for being there for me, always…kahit may times talaga na super nakukulitan na ko sa kanya bcoz of all the reminders, ok pa rin. this is bcoz she loves me so much, i am her loving bunso. i love nanay so much!!!
my tatay - "a man of very few words…" that’s the best description that we can give to our tatay…thank you for all the support that you’ve given me…thanks for being there for us…thank you for being a disciplinarian…thank you for being a strong father…thanks for being at nanay’s side always specially when she experienced that "tumor" na magiging ako pala coz you never really left her side. thank you dahil naging bunso mo ko…thanks for all the jokes, minsan lang yan humirit pero grabe…ako lang yata sa lahat ng anak nya yung sobra nyang najo-joke, as in! i remember, when i was still her little girl, i would always love to go with them (nanay and tatay), kaya lang si nanay ang ayaw. para hindi ako magmukmok, tatay will tell me "bilis, magtago ka na dun sa likod ng sasakyan (owner-type jeep), sa likod ng upuan ng nanay mo tapos lumabas ka pag paakyat na ng tulay dyan sa labas ha…" then i would do that, super tatawa na talaga kami…eto pa, whenever we go to bulacan (guguinto and malolos) para magpamasahe kay late mang uweng or go to aling baby’s house in guguinto, whenever he sees na inaantok na ko, he would always say "ay! yung kalabaw ang galing lumilipad o!" so syempre, eto na gising na ko and will look for islaw kalabaw. he would say "ay, ang taas na ng lipad, kaw kase nakapikit ka eh" hay…tatay talaga noh! kaya eto, namana ko na yun…eto na yung pinaka-worst nya yatang pinagawa not only to me pero pati kay diko angelo…when he got home, he saw me and diko playing and writing, as in kung anu-ano lang on the pad paper na tinitinda namin (we had a mini school supplies store, a food store, grocery and boutique that time). nagalit! he goes "kayo talaga, pinaghihirapan ng ina nyo na itinda yan tapos inaaksaya nyo lang! upo dun sa hagdan!"…eto na yung worst part - "punit-punitin nyo yang papel at kainin nyo!" YES! oh no! shet! pinakain talaga sa amin noh! as in literal naming kinain. and of course, as expected, while eating the pieces of paper, we were just crying (na walang tunog ha! walang nguyngoy!) hahahahhaha i love you tatay!
ate - used to be my "partner in crime" when she used to be here in the country and living with us…luka-luka rin! hahahahha my sister buddy! i miss her so much, grabe! i love her so much (kahit na nagpapa-libre sya sa kin dati sa landmark o kaya sa makati supermart nung estudyante pa ko at sya eh nagwo-work na). may mga secrets kaming dalawa na syempre dapat sa aming dalawa lang noh! so can’t share it talaga here…i remember, she used to buy me at least 4 pairs of shoes, mga dalawa yata dun signature shoes. she used to be a basketball player in icam. grabe, eto yung super sikat naming kapatid sa school. san ka ba naman nakakita ng graduation na hindi naman sya valedictorian or kahit salutatorian pero tumayo mga studyante, teacher at madre pag-akyat nya sa stage. super sikat noh! astig! yan ang ate ko, the best yan. super mahal ko yan…
kuya - nung mga bata pa kami sya pinaka-mabait sa amin eh, ngayon yata ako na..hehehehhe…joke! he loves music a lot, as in! pa’no ba naman, sa "sound of music" yan pinaglihi ni nanay noh! sa sobrang love nya sa music, ayun, super duper dami ng cd nya. eto yung kuya ko na nakitaan ko lahat ng uso, ng mga bago pa lang nauuso - cd, laser disc, mga kung anu-anong pabango, grabe! ang tindi ng koleksyon nyan. one time nga sabi ng tatay, ang yaman na ni kuya sa sobrang dami ng cd nya…all originals dahil di pa uso pirated nung panahon na yun. loves his daughter so much na para lang silang magka-barkada…sya nagbigay sa kin ng isa sa mga unang pop swatch ng swatch, kaya ayun, buo pa rin and i’ve been keeping it coz it came from my loving kuya. sya rin nagbigay sa kin ng first ever walkman ko na til now buhay pa kahit di na gumagana cassette player….sa aming apat, sya yung pinaka-matalino (sya may highest grade sa NCEE), pinaka-payat pero mahilig kumain…love you kuya!
diko - eto ang kaayaw ko parati when we were still kids na kasama kong kumain ng papel! yes, kaaway as in literal talaga ang away namin…di tlaga kase kami magkasundo..nung maliliit pa kami…pero syempre, it’s different now. eto yung kapatid namin na 5 or 7 years old pa lang daw eh umupo na sa harap ng manibela at nag-try na mag-drive…he loves to make butingting lalo na sa cars, jeeps, motorbikes, even airplane! eto yung kapatid namin na super pangahas talaga…would you believe, he thought water lang nilalagay sa sasakyan?! kaya ayun, kumatok at tumigil sasakyan namin kase nilagyan nya ng tubig! aside from ate na super kapal ng salamin, si diko yung sumunod. pero eto yung kapatid namin na super duper talaga ang lakas ng sex appeal…eh pa’no naman, mestizo (pati nga pala si kuya)…bakla, tomboy, babae, nata-typan sya. o, bilib na kayo sa sex appeal noh! eto yata yung nagmana sa tatay, "man of few words" kase tested na talaga…kahit na galit na yan, di nagsasalita…pero kahit na grabeng away natin when we were small, i want to let you know na mahal na mahal kita, alam na alam mo yan di ba? nandito ako parati para sa yo kahit meron talagang times na kontra ko sa ibang ginagawa mo…basta!
guys, this is not being morbid or something…i guess, i just wanted to be ready for anything that’s going to happen to me…we should all be…
posted by jay @ 1:06 AM